I am “errant” in so many ways other than balking at following through with a career as a preacher. This “errant” theme has characterized the whole of my life though often it was so subtle that I didn’t notice it. For example, I am very much a Christian today but I am not the “right” kind, as defined as what a Christian was in my youth. And for this I feel a lot of guilt for I know that I’m one of those who has “departed from the faith once delivered unto the saints” or who “went out from us because he was not of us.” Guilt, and its kissing-cousin shame, are so fundamental to human nature and are so instrumental in bringing us into the tribe in our youth. And I think that constitutionally I was more susceptible to the torments of those emotions than some are and thus there was a desperation in my effort to “belong” and subscribe to every facet of my conservative culture.
Being a Christian in my youth was a very rational matter; it meant following a simple line of syllogistic reasoning which, having uttered the magic words…the verbal “formula”…one could know the he was “saved” because he had uttered those “magic words.” That never worked for me, not in the depths of my heart, though I assumed for decades that it had as I blindly followed the reasoning of my pastors, “If the Bible says its so, it is so. Trust the Bible, not your feelings.” And I now see that I was actually being taught to trust reason.
To make a long story short, I see God, the Bible, and the Christian faith as something wholly different. It was best summed up by Richard Rohr recently on Super Soul Sunday when he noted that God “is not a being among other beings, but is the very Ground of Being.” God is not merely another object in our world of objects, though we may believe him to be a very “big” and “powerful” one who lives “far away.” Those qualities still leave him as a “being among other beings” or “an object among other objects.” I now see, and intuitive feel/know Him in the depths of my heart and no longer try to “reason” my way into confidence in Him.
Unfortunately, any traditional Christian reading this, including anyone from my youth who happened to stumble upon this, would immediately say, “Why heck! Doggone it, he fooled around and went atheist on us!” Well, I see what they mean and in their approach to the world they would be right. But I am not an atheist but a man of an increasingly deep faith in God who is the Wholly Other yet inexplicably dwells in me and the rest of us and is working his cosmic Mystery through our meager efforts.