The belief I now have in God does not need intellectual formulation nor is it based on cognitive apprehension. This “belief” is something which lies beyond the pale of mere human understanding and is therefore difficult to even write about. In fact, in attempting to do so, I’m about to get high “up there” in the ether for I am using words to describe that which is beyond words.
For, all of this “stuff” is just nothing at all! It is “nothing” in that it pertains to “no-thing” and the domain of “nothingness” which to speak of immediately poses the risk of giving it “thing-ness” in my imagination. But it has no “thing”-ness” but is the domain from which all “things” emanated and the domain from which these “things” maintain their “thingness” in time and space. This “domain” can best be thought of as an emptiness or a void. This dimension of life is described in the New Testament as “the Spirit” and one verse in particular wrestles with the mystery I am here wrestling with. John 3:8 declares, “The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit. Being “born of the Spirit” does not mean that some dove-like entity flutters down from “up there” and occupies your body and soul but that your body/soul has opened up to its own emptiness and paradoxically found its fullness.
This insight has been so slow in coming to me. I’ve spent six plus decades of my life trying to “get it” and finally realized that there is nothing “to get,” that “the Center that I cannot find is known to my unconscious mind. There is no need to despair for I am already there.” (W H. Auden} I have been “riding an oxen, looking for an oxen.” This has freed me from the pressure to “be Christian” as I realize the teachings of Jesus was that “the Kingdom has come” and resides within and always has and always will. Becoming a Christian is more than saying the magic words or believing the “right” thing but humbly accepting a gift that has been available since before I was even a gleam in my daddy’s eye! This is also “self” acceptance, realizing that I am “ok” without any qualification, warts and all! T. S. Eliot described it as a “condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything.”
But this passionate spiel can be misleading. I have not “gotten saved” or “been enlightened” or experienced any ecstatic mystical experience. I am way too white-bread dull for anything like that to happen. The only thing I have to show for all of “this” is the disillusionment, which is occasionally gut-wrenching, But I have the satisfaction that at last I am “real” in some sense and am not living in the denial which has drenched my life until recently. I am just stuck with my “am-ness” or “is-ness” and though that is not a piece of cake, I’m pleased to embrace my experience with more honesty that I have thought possible. And a curious development is underway. I find that great joy is found in the mundane beauty of this world, simple delights like my two lovely dachshunds, the budding of an aspen tree which I thought had not survived, tulips breaking the surface of the soil and getting ready to “strut and fret” their two weeks upon this New Mexican stage. I take delight in the beautiful birds that are so grateful for my feeders and fantasize that I’m Fr. St. Francis and have them lighting on my outstretched fingers. Oh, ok. So I’m a bit vain! But most of all I am taking delight in my lovely wife who is flourishing as an artist/musician and am pleased to have a supporting-cast role in the beauty she is bringing into this beautiful community.
To sum it up, all of the sophistry offered above is bringing me to feel more at home in this world and to appreciate all that it has to offer. Oh yes, I still see the abysmal ugliness but I do not let that overcloud the beauty that is present everyday of my life. Yes, the “ugliness” of intense anxiety is difficult but I know that “this too shall pass” just as I will myself at some point in the too near future.
Thirty spokes are made one by holes in a hub,
By vacancies joining them for a wheel’s use;
The use of clay in moulding pitchers
Comes from the hollow of its absence;
Doors, windows, in a house,
Are used for their emptiness:
Thus we are helped by what is not
To use what is.
(Lao Tzu, trans. By Witter Bynner)